Another day. Several days off because mom is in the hospital. I hope she gets out today for my sake and for her sake. She's got a lot of work for PT, OT and ST ahead of her. I don't know how long she will go. It could still be a long time. There's always an expectation that the the things she is battling are things to recover from. And she seems to, but something else always comes up to extend the suffering. I don't want her to suffer. Though, I don't have much empathy. I think I'm numb to that. I have sympathy and a desire to end her suffering. But, I don't want to feel the way she does, I can't do that. She has self-doubt, no confidence, pessimism, defeatism. I have deep sadness that she is that way and deep aversion to it as well. We all impact one another. I think I am more easily impacted by others and I don't want her to impact me. She has me as a possession in her psyche. She doesn't want harm to come to me because it would be a loss to her and it is not for my sake that she doesn't want me. That's how I feel in my perception of her actions. I don't want to have the responsibility of being the object of her happiness.  I don't want that burden. I don't want to exist for the sake of her happiness. I want to exist for the sake of my own happiness. I want her to be happy. Happiness comes from within not from without. And she makes it come from without. Thank you Lord for the happiness within me and help me to not allow the pain from without to cloud it. Maybe I want a mother who doesn't cling and wants me to be happy for my sake. I don't know what that would look like. I only know I feel like I am a possession for her. It's subtle in my mind when I try to think of it. I only know how I feel and I don't like it. I want to shed her from or rather I want to be shed being the fulfillment of her happiness. Amen Lord. And good day to you and to all. Amen. Amen. Amen. (391)