A beautiful new dark day today outside at 6:00 in the morning. There is darkness in my soul with my grief and my uncertainty in myself and the introversion and the need to embrace and understand who I am and not be on a path that is really not me. May I let go of trying to be more than I'm not and let myself be in the confines of who am I am. There is a balance between the joy of being around others and the pressure inside to express myself more than is comfortable for me. Sometimes I think I can go there and find more joy but I think the thing with Deb shot me down but also I'm not sure if there wasn't grief coming up for mom and dad I can't recall now where that all came from. I know I felt like I was riding high on expressing myself and the bubble got bursted? but also there was a lot a lot of sadness and I don't know if that accounts for it. It seems like there was a big component of grief in there but I'm not sure.  There there there so much there. I am retreating and looking for solace from myself and solitude, no with solitude. May I believe in myself and find joy in myself and keep going and not stop writing not to let myself analyze here but go on the wave the beautiful ocean wave with sharks underneath at he bottom and jelly fish floating in the haze.