Hi Lord. It's been a week. Lotsa headaches got me off track. I have one tomorrow, but my motivations are better. I miss mom the feeling is there. I'm not exactly sure what I miss about her. I know logically that I didn't want to be around her. But something transformed into missing her. I hated her negativity. Now it's fuzzy. It was who she was. Do I miss my frustration I got from it? Do I miss it because it was something became a way of life for me? Do I miss it because it was part and parcel of the package who mom was and I miss her and dad that I can't share things with them. It's natural to want to make them proud, so there isn't that there any more. The candle is burning bright it is dark outside as time goes by it cycles the candle will burn low the sky will brighten. I'll replenish the candle and night will come again. Nothing is constant except the change. The undulating day under the constant passing of days, no, that's not working. The opposite goes I think. There is chaos that is not constant. Under the chaos is the constant... No, this isn't working unless I think harder and even then it may not work. Let it go and be gone. Life is an every changing constant. Life is a constant change. Life goes on, humanity goes on. It will eventually come to an end within our solar system. Maybe we'll have found the means to perpetuate beyond or a means to survive here. Eventually we'll have a white dwarf with constant UV radiation from the smoldering blue core. I don't even remember how long it will be. Millions of years, 100's of millions, billions. I'm not sure. It will be much much longer than our recorded history. Life goes on, will life go on? I don't know. It may be one cycle of existence. We will pass having been a glimpse of wonderment and miracle of being billions of manifestations of the universe, all unique. Amen O Lord Amen. (354)

Thank you Lord for another day of life. The beat goes on. Mom and dad live on in us. We are the embodiment of their immortality. Thank you Lord for the honor of continuing on who they are on this Earth. Amen. Amen. Amen. May I accept John and allow him to be and listen to what he has to say to allow him to express himself. I find it hard to accept that his intentions are good whatever that means. I doubt he ever intends to do me harm even though his judgements and criticisms do harm. He has his own demons as Deb puts it. I want to know how things are going on with her. In some ways she sounded pretty good. Mark has concerns. But, she mentioned she has her own demons. She has concerns about Mark. I think Mark has thoughts about the ways are supposed to be in his relationship with her. The fact that Deb talked about life having been going on, but Mark not having heard from her since like Thanksgiving. I hope for peace for the two of them no matter where their paths are going. I think I want to get together with Melissa. I should ping her and Deb. I should find paths of life to live. Thank you Lord for my help. I need to get shoe insoles and new shoes for running. Go swimming today. Get a snow scraper. Get into and live life. That is what I'd hoped for mom. I don't know if she had that hope for herself. She was more interested in stopping suffering than in being happy. That is how she was, focus on the bad and not look for the good. She suffered for just that. She suffered because she tried to avoid suffering and wasn't happy because she didn't try to be happy. That is the saddest thing of all. That was who she was and is something I struggled with these past years in trying to get her to place where she could be happy.  Now she is in the happiest place she can be. Now I am free from that struggle. I am free of the time and effort and the life that was not my own, but the biggest freedom I have is the futility of trying to make her happy. Amen. Amen. Amen.