A new day. Dark beginning to fade. My back is tight and zapping my motivation to exercise. We'll see if I can leave work early and run this afternoon. I got a lotta hours yesterday so that shouldn't be a problem. We'll see as the music flows in and out of my ears soothing the soul to believe in love and peace and forever and never always reality exists only in the moment and never in the future and never in the past flowing continuously with no beginning and no end forever reaching to the past before the beginning and into the future beyond the end. We exist only in this moment and our total reality is only what we are feeling. Our existence is only emotion and what we feel.  That is what our existence is about. We may plan for the future but our project into the future only brings about feelings of anxiety or calm in this moment about the future but it is only how we feel now that is our reality.  Thank you Lord for peace and calm that we can bring about for ourselves in the here and now. Thank you for love for family, for Mary, Jeremiah, Sadie, mom and all my family and friends throughout the universe. Though, I a truly alone in my feelings in this moment and in this place.  My bowels are coming and the music is flowing and the keys are tapping and my weight is hovering too high and my back is stiff and my anxiety is flowing with my time not being my own taking care of mom consuming my mind consuming my time consuming my actions consuming my feelings. Mary is a blessing to have with me to know she cares and judges me not and needs not from me just being with me together in our lives always being there. Mom would do whatever she could for me but my aversion is that she doesn't do that for my sake or at least that is how I see it and she does it because I see and feel myself as a possession of hers to have. She takes joy in me and that is offensive to me. She doesn't take joy in me being my own person. Her happiness depends on me. I feel like I'm a drug to her. I don't want to be the object of someone elses happiness, I don't want to be the object of someone elses reason for living.  I feel like it's an imposition on my existence a responsibility being put upon me. It's smothering it's anxiety. If it's not reality then what is the cause of the anxiety. (451)