Hi Lord, another day without mom on this Earth. It is still dark outside, twilight coming soon. It is fall, it is winter, it is spring, it is summer, it is all seasons at once all the time. The universe is ever folding over and under itself it is all things at all times at all places it is in our souls in our DNA in the fabric of spacetime. It is unending and never beginning. It is all things for us for all of our lives. Each of us is a manifestation of the whole universe a manifestation of the foundation of the universe. We each of us are that beauty. We are all beautiful and wonderful we are the diversity the universe is all manifestations of the same thing in our own unique ways bringing who we are to the reality of the universe. Which is paradoxical sort of in that our perceptions of the universe are illusions. I don't remember which quantum mechanical interpretation is what but in the end I see that we can never really know what reality is. It is not that there is no reality, it's just that we can only experience reality through our perceptions and models and interpretations that appear consistent and predictable. That is all our reality can be. So, I have mine and you have yours just like space and time are relative and different when far apart and the extent to which our models are far apart then they will differ and present a different reality. The better I know you and the better you know me, the closer our models will be and the more our realities will coincide. Whoa, that's a deep insight.  Wow. The better we know one another, the more we will see the universe in the same way. Okay, that's the deep thought for the day. I want to capture that sometime.  Thank you Lord. That brings me even more into harmony with the universe and may even help me to love others even more. Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus, thank you forever and ever in my heart and in my mind and in my spirit and in my soul we are one you and I with all people and all beings. Thank you for creation and thank you for creating us with love in our hearts. May we be able to strip the cloaks we cover ourselves with to protect our feelings and our emotions and our experiences from external pain and let the love and the light flow from our inner beings to share with one another to grow love for everyone. Thank you Lord and Amen, Amen, Amen. Wow, I cheated and looked at the clock and there is a lot of time left. I wonder if it glitched. Still 2 minutes left more than that and maybe 2 minutes now. Life is going on and I will seek counseling to help me on. I feel more solidness within me. It will come and go with reminders of what has happened and what is missing. It will be a change of who I am a change of my reality and a change in the universe. May it become a change that brings more love to me and to those I touch and may the universe, the world, humanity be a tiny bit happier with the change and with time as it passes and may we all come to love one another more and more and more to fulfill your creation for to experience the joys and ecstasies of love. Amen, O, Lord Amen. (604)

Thank you Lord for life, love, liberty, friends, family, the universe, existence, peace, calm, charity, kindness, compassion and all that bring richness to the experience of life and the emotions and feelings we have and share that comprise the reality of being. Amen. Thank you Lord for the new day as the Sun comes up lightening the sky. Life continues in its infinite circle and the flame burns and the music plays the notes flowing up and down to and fro plucking the strings in our minds and stimulating not thinking and letting it flow as it is into eternity and down from heaven and up from hell until we see the truth in our eyes is all lies and illusion and the only reality is the ebb and flow of our emotions the rise of our spirits and hearts and the squashing our temples and our beliefs and our loneliness and emptiness in our thoughts. We are one we are gods in our own universes created in our minds. We choose what is truth and what is lies in attempts to gain the feelings we wish to have. Are we righteous are we humble are we magic are we real are we alone are we together are one are we splintered are we insane are we loving are we happy are we sad? We alone can determine we alone can choose the nature of our spirits of our souls. I am happy to be sad I am sad to grieve. I'm never alone and always by myself. Thank you Lord for the happiness and ecstasy that comes with it all. We will rise to heights and fall to lows but nothing is absolute only how we choose to look it. Thank you Lord for my sight for your sight for the sight of my friends and families. Thank you for the peace and the turmoil. Thank you for one another and my we find happiness in one another and may we love one another and make our spirits one and see the love and happiness in each and everyone of us. May I live for love and happiness and peace and compassion and kindness for everyone on this planet and may we live together as one as we are created in unity and not in division which is of our own making are sadnesses of our own makings. Stand up and be counted and sit down and count. Amen Thank you Lord for peace and kindness and may we perpetuate the compassion and love to create a world of happiness for people and beings and may we live in ecstasy together at the bidding of your creation. Amen. (449)

Thank you Lord another day, another opportunity. It is later in the morning. A nice bright beaming sun coming in through the trees. It is a glorious sensation. I can feel the warmth in my soul streaming through the cold crisp air outside my window. Thank you Lord for the peace in my heart. Thank you for peace for my mom. I wish she could've had a more happy end to her life. It has passed and now may she be in calm for the rest of eternity. Amen. Thank you Lord for peace and happiness in my heart may I spread that peace and happiness to all I encounter to all I touch and may I transform the touch of others into peace and happiness. May we all share to bring greater fulfillment of your desire for our creation. Amen. Amen. Amen. The candle flame burns bright transforming cold mass into warm heat transforming our the coldness in our hearts into the warmth of happiness. Amen. May we all be happy may we all see in our hearts the love and peace you instill there at our births and may we be able to let it flow into our spirits of action and touch one another. Amen. Amen. Amen. It is another day and may I start renewed and find happiness and be a fount of happiness. Thank you Lord. May I find a path from within that is my spirit and soul and purpose and fulfillment that is not guided by the paths of others. May I see and learn from the paths of others, but may I not be steered to their paths through the sheer purpose of seeking the right path. There is no right path except that which comes from within me that is guided by my spirit and my soul. I have come a long way and guided my path the best I could for mom and dad the past several years in caring for them. Amen. They are as righteous as anyone in their faults and glories in their struggles and fulfillments. I am a fulfillment of theirs. I embody their immortality in who I am. May I find and fulfill your destiny for happiness in love through the person I have become through their love and grace. Amen. Thank you Lord for my destiny and may I forge ahead in the happiness you bestow upon me. Amen. (405)

Good morning Lord. Another glorious day. Trippin' down to Goddard to get my badge. That'll be good to get that all done. JIRA not working. Ah, c'est la vie. Life will go on. Basically, work on DADs thing and I don't know what else. Make list of data sets to put into the catalogue. Make, an empty catalogue. Which now is just creating to files with single header lines.  I think that's it.  Maybe I need more stuff to do. We'll see. When JIRA comes back, I'll have a look. It's dark still in the morning, for a couple of more months probably.  Maybe more, I don't know. It's going to be cold out running, but I want to. Don't cover up my mouth, drink plenty of water. Have my belt and bottle to hold. Get me through. I should guess how much water before hand. For my medium runs, don't worry about nutrition. And life goes on. Swim tomorrow with 75 yds, I think, geared up. Then, I think short brick again on Friday then short run Saturday with 1M geared up in this new tri-week period. Yeah, we'll get me going again. I'm looking forward to running this morning. Just go easy, relaxed to get the 6+ miles done in this cold weather. I'm not looking forward to the cold, but that is okay. Keep calm and be mindful, move forward and finish. MFF.  Sounds, well, not really, I'm just rationalizing to make a remarkable thing, And life goes on. Thank you Lord for life and liberty and happiness which comes from within me, can only come from within me. No one else can be responsible for my happiness can make me happy. I cannot make mom happy. It has to come from within. I don't know what's really going on. It sounds incredulous what she says. She was extremely lethargic and sleepy last night. Remind Mary about the pudding before I move onto my next things. Thank you Lord for life and love and family, Mary, Jeremiah, Sadie and mom. For Della and Po and John and Rosemary and everyone. Thank you for the night and the day, the moon and the sun and the stars and hydrogen and life and time and boogie and boogers and bogs and dogs and cats and poodles and fleas and fish and delicious fish more salmon I need for my health. Maybe Pizza for lunches and salmon for dinner the rest of the week for life to go on and get some health back which has been slipping some these past couple of months. I can get there. Just take my time, be calm and thank you Lord for my mind to think for myself and may I always value all others and love them and not think with a dividing mind. A dividing mind is a source of evil dispelling love and happiness from our midst. May I live for happiness for all myself and everyone I encounter. Thank you Lords and Amen for all time into eternity and back again to light on everyone of us in your creation. Amen. Amen. Amen O Lord for hosts and our creation. Amen. (523)

Hi Lord, another day, another dollar. A dark day still at this hour. And frigid  as a witches butt. Oh, well. I hope Mary, Jeremiah and Sadie all can keep warm. Mom should be fine inside. I hope she has a calm day. It is a sad state with her mind and confusions and memory. She is scared and doesn't have the means to cope with it all. I am not such that I can stay with her or be right near. Financially or emotionally. It is a sad state of affairs for her. I hope she can find calm and peace within her to move away from the suffering she is constantly experiencing. So much anger and fear within her. May I be able to find and keep peace within me for my own sake. May I get back into a steady exercise regimen. Don't fight the bricks, do them inside comfortably. Do the long inside on Sunday. Try with the 45 min on the trainer per hour on the road. I ignore the miles per hour on the bike in the basement for trying to estimate level of effort. Keep at 45/hr.  Assume 14 miles per hour for the hour on the road to translate from my big table. If I have 28 miles, then 90 minutes on the trainer. That should be fine. For the long rides, don't do single legs, maybe not even for the medium. I need to figure out about increases the gears. I should increase only on the medium trainer rides. And listen to the long rides for possibly increasing there as the short rides with the single legs and the medium rides increasing gears should make me stronger. So, don't increase time with legs right now. Try going with just increasing gears for the sort rides. I need to count the teeth on the gears to get all the ratios to be able to increment. I'm on 1/3 right now.  And, should increase.  Today, I'll go to 1/4. Going to 2/3 would be too much and anything less than 3 on 2 is not good. So going to 1/4 would be the next step up I now. I don't know if 2/3 would be next after that. I would think maybe 1/5, then 2/3. We'll see when I count. Amen, Lord. Thank you for helping me to get back on my disciplines. May I be able to continue to find calm and self-affirmation for who I am and may it all be alright and find a place of calm and peace and love and joy and compassion and kindness with all I encounter in my life. Amen. Thank you Lord for the peace I do have and may I spread it to others, may I show them kindness. Amen. (475)

Daily

Another day in life, missed a few days of writing and meditating. When life gets stressful, it's hard to do the things that help ease the stress.  Ah, c'est la vie. Just keep moving on. Look for tattoos. Decide permanent or is semi-permanent really so.  We'll figure out. I want to make my world around me feel better for me regardless of anyone else. Get away from it being about the image I present to others. Damn them and just make my universe more harmonious with me. Amen. And it keeps on going the beat, the beat, the beat. It's white outside. I can hardly wait to get through February. I will do my long run today. 7 miles. Do it nice and easy to make sure I get through and do it with nutrition and water plan. We'll make it. I will do my water belt and carry a bottle for the 6 some-odd miles. It won't be the longest six. 6.13. When I get past 12, it will grow on the second lap. The full second lap is 6.43 miles or so. If I could do that in an hour that would be great. That's a 9:20 mile. I won't get there. But, that is okay.  Have some deficit in water is okay and I could set up to take extra at the laps.  It'll work. The challenge will be getting accustomed to carrying a bottle. Or using the camelback. We'll see. I have a subjective feeling against the camelback, but I don't think there should be.  We'll see. On life goes on. Time goes on. All is relative. So if distances are relative, that seems concrete. Well maybe not. Speed and acceleration I can see are relative. But, is length relative. I don't know. Let my mind flow and go and stretch and shrink and just be. We all have beliefs that are just as legitimate, no more, no less than anyone else's. We grow with our own worlds and experiences and perceptions around us. It is beautiful and lovely we all have our own stories and visions and experiences and feelings and love and hate and prejudice and compassions. Thank you Lord for all you have given us, life, love, experience, family, friends compassion, kindness, beauty and just being. Amen and thank you for all. It's a hoot and a holler, it's a bean and sprout. Don't stop now. Go to the end of the bell. When the bell is done, the bell is done. (420)

Thank you Lord for another day. Thank you for helping get back into some discipline. I am here writing now and just finished meditating. Yeah! It is dark outside. We're in the dead of winter with about 17+28 days left. A month and a half exactly 4.3 + 2.15 a bit over 7 weeks. A couple of exercise cycles and a bit more. Just be patient and pass along with it and all will be fine. March may be dicey some but we'll be on the upswing. I hope the hanging here is done after closing a couple of things. We'll see how it goes. Just hung for a sec. Not too bad. Thank you Lord for peace in my heart. It is joyful, peaceful, calm and serene. A source of happiness enables me to be compassionate and kind. It doesn't necessarily mean I will be but at least I am in a place from where that is possible. I pray Lord that the love in my heart will be exposed to the surface of my soul, my spirit so I can be compassionate and kind to those I encounter and have awareness at my forefront for that desire to be there for me to act for the happiness of others. That is really hard. There is much in my soul that wants to lash out and be angry. It's what I see in mom. It is unfortunate that she clings to that. John clings to it to so it is not accountable for my dad's alcoholism. I didn't see it in Rosa, so it's not just from grandma unless Rosa as middle child. Who knows? There isn't going to be any understanding of that. It is a demon that I feel was passed onto me from mom, though, not something she consciously did. I think I have more calm in me than here.  I think some have been passed on to Jeremiah and some from Mary, too. He struggles with it. But, I see more calm in him than in mom. It could be dad's alcoholism exacerbated here demons. I guess they are demons in me. When Deb says she has demons, I thought, mine isn't demons, but my current situation in life. However, it is the demons that exacerbate my suffering in the current situation. When I get anxious, it would be good to look at the demons and recognize them. Then I can decide how to deal with them. That is more thought to have. How do I handle them when they come up. The most terrible is the shooting anxiety when mom starts asking me to do things for her. (444)

Thank you Lord for another day. Dark outside still. First good start to a day in a while. I got 7 hours sleep for the first time in awhile. We'll see if we can make it 8.  I got in meditation and here I am writing. Mom is not doing so good. Overall, she is weak and her memory and outlook are bad. I'll do what I can. I have to not stress myself over her happiness and her having exactly what she wants. She'll suffer and there's nothing I can do about it.  It's diminishing returns and I'll drive myself down and make it worse for her. So, I'll go on best I can and put her health at the top. Oh, well, c'est la vie. It's not giving up, I think I've not accomplished anything over the past year and a half in terms of her happiness. She clings to ideals and looks at the world through black colored glasses.  c'est la vie. I'll do the best, but she'll suffer and that's how it is. It's going to snow on Saturday. I need to figure out my exercise schedule. Maybe cluster a couple of bikes with no runs on the snow day. Or cluster swims around it and do extra runs. Bike on the bad day and swim around it. I could bike and elliptical. Yeah, that's cool to do if I need to for brick's. That's sort of a plan. And, move forward we will. Bitter cold and can get to the gym, but there's not much I can do about snow. We'll see, it'll be fine and I'll move forward. Thank you Lord Thank you Jesus and life moves forward, just be mindful and move forward and finish. Amen. Thank you Lord. And today and tomorrow will be full days at work. Yeah! Get somethings accomplished. Get some work done. And life will move forward. I want to keep Deb's post in the back of my mind. I'll never benefit or see the results of things I sow. My response was a little off from that. What I sow to make me happy gives happiness to others that I may never see. Thank you Lord for life, for love, for Mary, for Jeremiah (and Sadie) and mom and for everyone that comes through my life that touches me that I touch. May we all see the path of happiness is to help forge happiness for one another. We are created to find happiness through love for one another.  Amen.  My thoughts are pleasure is good but like anything else it is dangerous to depend on pleasures, to cling to them. It can be a path to total self-absorption contrary to the path of happiness for one another. (461)

It looks like a bright sunny day the sun coming up through the woods. There are clouds across the sky. We'll see how it goes. Weather forecast mentioned windy I know later in the day. The woods look still now. Probably good to go out sooner than later, but I want to get breakfast in first and plan water and nutrition for my ride. Doing something that I forgot because chrome hung. Ah, c'est la vie. We are going now. I feel good this morning. I slept well for the first time in awhile. Going straight to bed in the guest room and not having disturbance from Mary's snoring was really good. It's unfortunate but that's what I need to my health, physical and mental. We'll see how it goes. Mary is starting an exercise program and that is really great. I hope she will stick with it. Thank you Lord for opportunities and sun in my eyes. I started this morning commenting on most people's posts on Facebook. It felt good. Maybe as a post by Susan suggested, I'll see more stuff from friends. And, it felt good to respond in supportive and positive ways. Thank you Lord. Maybe it is a new leaf to turn over to that fosters happiness in others and in myself. Thank you for peace and love the drivers of happiness the felling of happiness. We exist to experience life and that experience of life is the emotions and feelings we have from our engagement with the universe. Amen, thank you Lord. That is a new concept. It is isn't about doing the right thing. It is about experiencing the joys and ecstasies of loving one another. Amen, thank you. Righteousness is that path to suffering. Amen. Amen. Amen. Thank you Lord for my mind for my reasoning for my friends and family especially for Mary and Jeremiah and mom and Texans. And Ravens. I'm looking forward to sitting down and watching the game today. I need to remember to set up the recording because I'm starting my ride today later than planned. But, it will be okay. I need to gather stuff up of mom's I have here and take over a bigger suitcase and swap it in and bring back the smaller one. Amen. Thank you Lord for my mind my body my spirit my emotions for all my existence. May I grow from engaging with others and may I contribute to the happiness of others. Amen for the Sun, the Moon, the Stars for the whole universe for the way it is that I came to be Amen. What am I. I perceive. What does that mean. It's hard to imagine I just am from the universe. (456)