Friday, November 30, 2018
Another day. A few days off. Been busy and not feeling well and staying up late. Taking care of mom has been stressful and my discipline is not good when I'm stressed. I've been missing my exercising too. My weight is up. My overnight sleep helped my motivation last night however. I think partially the discussion of my weight with Dr. Berger. I have an awful headache and I'm kind of amazed that I'm not just giving up the ghost for right now with it. I want to do something about my health and get it back on track. Yeah! Good snacks is on my plan and I need to go look for a recipe to try out for a couple of nights for dinner and see what's in the fridge good for lunches. I know there is some soup. Thank you Lord for the motivation and may I get myself going again. However, it's not a may I, it's an I will get it back on track. I was glad to hear that Mary says she's losing weight. That is great. Her mouth guard last night seemed to help a lot with her snoring. The way I felt emotionally and mentally last night I was really frustrated trying to get her into the optimal position. I wasn't sure I got her there and I usually do that before telling her to put in her mouth guard. But, I was frustrated I went there sooner than I normally do. Thanks, Lord. Allah, Kum Bya. And, on I go with life. Get my health in better shape and I'll do better with mom. It was good seeing her decorations there. Thank you Lord for all I have for love for Mary for Jeremiah for Mom for all my family and friends. I'm losing steam in my mind here. I think I want to go and be doing things. That is all right. Work on my discipline. I'm doing good this morning and it is a good sign. The pendulum swings back and forth and I am on an up swing. It will come back down but it is good to have the upswing be stretched out more than the down swing. Yeah. I'm looking forward to getting to work. There was ticket to be filed and I don't quite remember what it was. If I keep writing with it in the back of my mind, then oh, yeah, fits count for various data sets for invokeSDP.tcsh. Wow, I seem to have a lot of words and still a couple of minutes left. I guess I broke my rule, but that's okay. It's not a rule that has consequences. I just shouldn't make it a habit. Pleasure and desire. They can rule us. Ah, it's not that desire is bad, it is being attached to our desires. We can let them come and go but becoming attached let's them rule our motivations and hence our values and hence our decisions and take us away from what we truly desire. Boy, that's a paradox. What is it I truly desire? Peace and harmony among us all. (523)
Monday, November 26, 2018
Another day. Had a good brick up with bike up Route 30 yesterday. Beautiful day. I dressed a little bit warm, but, that's okay. And my run was good. I tried to go in second gear and, though it seemed a bit much, but I was really okay and my pace was a third gear pace, sub-9:00 at 8:40. Cool. The 30K bike was a great place to start for my new training season. And, my 5 mile run last week was good. I'm not sure what I'll do for the swim. Maybe I'll try a mile. Yeah, a mile is good. I should not go by what feels comfortable at this point in my training career. If I try going what feels good and see how far I'll go, or set a comfortable goal and see how much further I can go, it's likely that I'll only go comfortable. So, I'll set a mile goal regardless. It's more than Olympic and that's fine. I feel I'm strong for the swim distance even though my pace isn't great, it's just fine for me. Yeah. Going into work today. Not sure where the morning meeting will be. Ah, c'est la vie, it will come and that is fine. I'm don't know what's going on with Google calendar and my work calendar. I suppose I could try putting google on to my Apple calendar. Then, I suppose I could start calendaring all in the Apple world. But, I need to get my Apple calendar syncing. But, then it seems I can only display one day at a time on my phone with Apple calendar and that is limiting. Oh, well. I'm feeling good this morning, though could use a little more sleep. Yesterday seemed to be headache free. This morning pretty good but maybe the slighted hint of a headache. We'll see. Just keep going. Maybe pack some naproxin. We'll see. I'm looking forward to work and working on my tickets. And it will be interesting in the planning meeting this morning. I'd don't if we're going to be sizing stuff or just pulling stuff off the top. Who knows? (358)
Saturday, November 24, 2018
Another day. I missed yesterday. It was a good day. I slept late and allowed my self to relax for most of it and let time go by until my mind and the day was on its way before getting to meditation and writing. That is okay. Let the days flow as they will and do not force it. If I am able to enforce discipline to do it, then that is okay. If not, that is okay. It is a dull gray day outside. The calm meditation music is like a relaxing stream. May I dwell with a stream in my mind to relax and be calm so I may encounter the day with mindfulness and have confidence and harmony within my thoughts. It will all be okay in the end. Each day is a challenge before us. A challenge to flow the best we may be and a challenge to be in harmony to allow the day to unfold and to guide ourselves through it. May we be able to see the day as it is and flow and guide ourselves along with it and not force the day to be something it is not and not insist in our minds that it is something else. Amen Lord and may the past guide me in this moment so I may flow into the future with an open heart and an open mind and accept others as they are and not as they are supposed to be. I guess that especially goes for mom. I can accept what she is and accept that what she is is not something I wish to have around me for my sake. And, that is find. I can also accept that I can be around her for her sake, not push and insisting for her to be something that she isn't but to help her be comfortable in her life. Unfortunately, she may wish for me to want to be with her for my sake, but that is not good for me. There is too much negativity in her for my own good. I will be there for her to the extent I am able and maintain my own mental and emotional health which is strained by her being in my mind all the time. Her need for care will always be there until the day she days and I will do my best to be there for her but must also take care of myself. May I find and keep that balance, Lord. May I find my fulfillment in life and find my happiness. There is a lot of selfishness in me and a lot of figuring out how things should be and how I want them to be that conflicts with how things really are. May I find peace. Amen. (469)
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Another beautiful day today. It is thanksgiving and mom is anxious about things. I hope it's not a UTI. We'll see. I'm doing the best I can for her. I know it does not give her all she wants and that having not what she wants drives her anxiety. But, I am doing the best I can. Amen. c'est la vie. I have Mary who supports me and loves me and I love her. That is wonderful and beautiful. It is gracious and part of the fabric of the universe, the non-judgment and the sharing and living in relationship to and with one another. Amen. Thank you Lord for the flames and the light, the beauty and the ugly. Life is calm, it is calm for me. Maybe others live on the adrenaline rush and find happiness is a roaring river of life. I cannot really judge what are the criteria for happiness for anyone else. I can only discern within and decide what is happiness for me. It is find calm and peace and harmony with the universe. Thank you Lord for the gifts of love and existing in relationship with all that is around me. I do not exist for anyone else except in relationship to the other things in their lives. It's sort of a paradox, though not really, that if one thing exists then, it doesn't really exist because there is nothing against which to reference it. But, then there is an infinitum of things that do physically exist. There meaning and significance, however, does not exist except in relationship to one another. What I mean to you comes from my relationship to other things in you life. Amen, Amen, Amen. Thank you Lord for the gift of love. May I be able to see the love within me and let it flow through my behavior to those around me, all those I encounter. Amen, Amen. Thank you Lord for the gift of those in my life. Mary, Jeremiah, mom, dad, Della, Pancho, John, Deb, Melissa, Tom, Alice. Thank you for all the experiences of life, the feelings, the emotions that make up the experience, for they are what it is all about. Live for the feelings and emotions, however, behave mindfully and be aware of what is happening and why and of the consequences of my behavior. Thank you Lord for my mind, the means I have for being empowered to make decisions for myself that fit with my own spirit enabling me to be independent and of myself apart from those who have taught me. There is no obligation to be what they thing I should be, but I take what they have taught me and make it my own. Amen. (457)
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Another day. Up dark and early. Mom has a real early doctor appointment this morning. I need to make sure we use the earmuffs. And try using my heavy jacket. This week has gone pretty well. I'm feeling more at calm and less stressed about mom and the universe and work and everything. Go tell it on the mountain today and for all the days to come that the spirit is on us, the spirit is in us. It wells from the depths of our soul. We find strife as we try to cope with life's challenges and build shells around our souls that blocks the love from flowing forth. It is hard to get beaten down when we express our love and expose our love even if the there is no intention behind the pain that comes. We need to allow that love to come out and, even lovingly, accept and embrace the consequences to come. It is better to suffer transient suffering even if harsher than a lifetime of continuous low level suffering. We then mask the good feelings and miss out on experiencing them. Life, our existences, is all about feeling. We live to feel good. We live to avoid suffering. However, we take on the low level constant suffering to avoid the risk of short great sufferings. Life is about balance between opposites and all of life, all of existence of the universe is about relationship. The is no existence without being in relationship to something else. Nothing is without in comparison or in reference to something else. It is the changes across space and time that define each little tiniest bit up to the largest structures in the universe that is existence. Nothing is absolute except the notion that nothing is absolute. The only thing I am certain of in the universe is that nothing exists without being able to perceive the differences between things. Otherwise it is all a flat featureless void that has no meaning. Just as if we choose constant low level suffering, then life becomes a constant feeling so then are lives become featureless voids. (354)
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Another day, it's still early, the sky is a dark light blue if that makes any sense backdropped on the trees behind our house. It's going to be another glorious day in the true sense that all days are glorious in their own way. I think I'm going to get some things done and I hope mom is doing okay from complaining about her stomach hurting last night. We'll see how she's doing. I need to go early to get her a lunch. She has an ENT appointment, then later OT. It's a new day and I hope it goes okay for me and I get this sprint worked out. I don't want to stress getting it to the end. However, invokeSDP.tcsh only works on the c-string and not on the new test string nor dev. That's okay. File tickets or rely on existing tickets to get that remedied in the next sprint. I have a bunch of tickets to file and that's what I can do the rest of my time for this week. That is fine. I shouldn't stress myself over it all. Relax and keep calm and move forward. Another mantra.
- Keep calm and finish.
- Keep calm and be mindful.
- Keep calm and move forward.
Those are good. Maybe I'll end up with a whole litany of keep calms for my life. For ordering, mindful, move forward, finish. That's cool. Yeah.
Flames are burning bright, flames are burning in the night.
Flames are burning all the time, flames are burning in this rhyme.
Flames are burning in the east, flames are burning in the west, the sun rises, the sun sets.
The flames are in our hearts, the flames are in our minds.
The flames are in our soul, and the flames are who we are. (299)
Monday, November 19, 2018
Another day. The sun is brightening the sky. Seems to be thin or so clouds up. Enjoyed Fiddler last night with Mary. She said the voices weren't strong. I thought the actors were flat. I think it amounts to the same thing. Lazy stage and musical direction maybe? Like my manager philosophy in the service industry. Don't blame the server. The manager sets the standard for and is responsible for the behavior of the workers. But, anyway, I still enjoyed it. The flat tire didn't seem to faze me. Though got home late and wanted some comfort with a bologna sandwich. Though that isn't alone responsible, weight jumped from 153.3 to 154.9 today. That's still okay since it was 157.6 last Sunday and 156.7 last Monday. Still 1.8 pounds down over the Monday's. That's fine. Gotta get the tire fixed today. Nixing going into work. Need to send email about review meeting for someone else setting up WebEx there if they go there. Ah, c'est la vie. That's life and it goes on. I'm feeling okay this morning. A little anxious. I think there is a constant level of anxiety about mom. I think it's also having to deal with the tire and having a review of my code which is my first significant amount and first python stuff to be reviewed. I need to get my stuff reviewable in Gerritt. It might actually be already, I don't know. I eventually need to ask Alex. The flames burn bright. Doesn't mean they are hot. Is there a correspondence between two things of different measures of the quality of light. Like big vs. strong, quantity/quality with flames. Maybe it's brightness vs. temperature. I don't know. I wander I digress. Life is all about wandering. We never know what to expect and embark on paths we didn't know we would be following. We actually only have one path but we don't know where it leads. It takes us where ever we go and the measure of our happiness depends on the way we choose to handling our engagement and encounter with our path. Amen. (352)
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Off for a couple of days. Stress, stress, stress. I seem to be able to do my disciplines better when I'm already relaxed and not stressed. When stress comes along, I falter. That shouldn't be something to judge myself about. I will be happier and have left stress if I accept it or a come up with a plan and or strategy and be objective and mindful about changing the situation. For now it is better to accept it and be okay. I know that the pendulum will always swing and I will come out of the period of stress and come back to my disciplines. The more I can accept that the more that I will be able to maintain my discipline through the harder times. Amen, Lord. Thank you for giving me the calm and mindfulness to be able to think about it and discern on calm place to be with the way I am. Amen, Amen, Amen. Thank you for the love you instilled within my soul from the moment of and part of the creation of who I am. May I always have active awareness of the love within my soul and know that everything I do and all my decisions and the way I am are fine. May I be able to see into my soul to allow the love within to guide me. And be able to be calm and accept when I am not able to do that. When I am not able to do that I, that is okay and I expect I cannot or will not be able to see it because I am not in a mindful place. Let me pull-cord be mindfulness and may I be able to find mindfulness when I am not allowing myself to be guided by the love within me. May I be able to recognize it and may I not be unhappy with myself when I do recognize it and am not able to be guided by the love within me. That is okay. It will come. If I can go to mindfulness, I can think about the situation and look at what is driving me and accept that what is driving me is okay. I think the goal is just to find awareness of what that is. Then that gives me control, maybe, but it lets me understand the situation and I can decide how to handle it. Mindfulness. Keep Calm and Be Mindful. Keep Calm and Finish. My life mottos. Keep calm about all else. If I find myself not calm, then it may take a bit of retreat to find it. Then, look to be mindful. Observe and reason about where I am and what the situation is. (457)
Thursday, November 15, 2018
Another day. A snowy day. Gotta rearrange my exercise schedule. Maybe due just trainer, no brick and do swimming tomorrow. May end up doing swimming 2 days in a row. Ah, well, c'est la vie. That is fine. That is the path of least resistance to the universe. Amen. I am going on and in a good place on my path right now. Mom has gone a week and it's a better week here in Maryland than she had in Austin. I hope things will go well. She sounds pretty good this morning when I called about caregiver having an accident and wouldn't be there. We'll see how it goes. Life goes on and on and on in a merry-go-round. It flashes it dances it mumbles it fumbles mumbling and fumbling and Horace goes on. Life is a merry-go-round and we are all on it together going round and round in the circle of life never seeing the end and never seeing the beginning always believing that things are how they have always been or knowing that it is impossible to really know how things really worry and never able to know how it will be in the days to come. The here-and-now is all we really know and all we really know is what is within us. It is an illusion on the outside. The here is really only what we perceive in our minds. All else is interpretation of the stimuli we receive from our senses and the deductions we make with our own brains. Tra-la-la-la-la. Yoko on a Double Fantasy track. Thank you lord for life and the liberty of our minds. May we all have minds that are free to peer into our own souls and understand who we really are on the inside despite the masks we have to hide our true selves even hide from ourselves being what we think we should be or think what we want to be. I can't even project what I see for myself to others. I can imagine we are similar. In my heart in my soul is a spirit, flame of love instilled at the time and place of my creation. It is a yearning for belong with others. We have a tendency to yearn for others who think like us. But, I believe we are all valuable and I want to believe (so yes that is a dangerous view) we are all the same in having love at the centers of our being and that all other yearning is the result of trying to protect ourselves from the outside, trying to cope with that on the outside which causes us strife and harm. We hide from ourselves and hide ourselves from others. To lay open our souls is to become vulnerable to scorn. It's not so much that we know we'll have scorn. It's just we play it safe by trying to follow steps we believe will be accepted and immune from scorn. It is fear of scorn, fear of rejection that we put up masks that we believe we know are acceptable to others. Amen. (520)
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Another new day. The sun is coming up. It's bright though behind thin clouds. A chilly morning this morning. No difficulties from mom yesterday. Yeah. Going to the cardiologist. Good reports from Stephanie and Peg. Thanks Lord. And on and on the universe and life goes. It will all be fine and good in the end. Thanks for helping get back into practice. I've got a training plan sketched out for the coming year. Yeah! IM swimming distance, 1/2 IM biking distance and IM running distance by October. And running the BRF Marathon. Yeah! Woo hoo. And an 18 lb weight loss plan. Getting down to 140 will make my exercise goals much easier. And I want to try out a Mediterranean diet. Lotsa fish, some chicken and lotsa vegetables. We'll see. Good for my body and health. Wish me luck. And today mom going to the cardiologist. Try to get python work done and submitted for review and schedule a review on Tuesday. Then, respond with changes on Wednesday. Yeah. Go team, go me. Alleluia praise the Lord, praise the universe riding on this wave of life up and down, happy and sad, frustrated and elated it's all relative and can't know one without the other. It is all contrast. Nothing exists except with other things, except in relationship to one another. It is all about out interactions. I am the embodiment of all that have come before me and I influence and become part of all that comes after me. I am the universe in this one moment in this one place. All that has come before me from everywhere create my moment in the place as my moment in this place influences and becomes the future in all places. Amen Amen Amen. We are all one together in this world, universe in this life together. The greatest happiness comes from striving for happiness for all. Not the few who are like me and share my values, but for everyone, every creation of God every living manifestation of this universe. Amen O Lord and may we find peace and happiness and compassion together. Amen Amen. Thank you Lord for the passion and compassion for the feelings and gift of love in my heart and in the hearts of all you have created. May we all see and know and become aware of that love in each of our hearts. Thank you for creating us as loving creatures who live for happiness. Life is all about the experience of our feelings. Amen. (423)
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Day 2 it is raining and cold outside pretty miserable. I got lots to do. I need to remember to get my stuff from mom's car. Need to make appointment with David. I hope mom will be okay, but yesterday was pretty stressful coming back from the doctor. She is helpless, but I only have so much to give. I have to judge what can be acceptable for her situation vs. what must be done for her physical well-being. Life being harder doesn't equate with less well-being. That's a distinction I have to keep in mind. Her happiness can only come from doing things for her physical strength and mental and emotional being which means getting out of her room as much as she can. I need to say that every time I see her. Ah, c'est la vie. Life goes on no matter what. In the long run, everything will be okay. Long after we are dead and buried there will be new generations following in their own lives without worry for our well-being. We live on in their beings. They are what they are because we existed and they are begotten from us. Amen to all the universe, life and to who and what we are. We are manifestations of what the universe is. Because of the nature of the particles and energies of the universe, we have come into existence and we are what we are in the way we are because of the nature of the universe and its fabric and building blocks. Amen. Thank you Lord for my existence and the experiences I have in that existence. Existence is about experiencing feelings and not about being right or wrong. We move along and engage our life paths according to how it makes us feel. Compassion and love for others brings us feelings of being in union and harmony with the universe. And compassion and love for ourselves as well accepting who and how we are. We are all fine and find more peace and happiness understanding who we are and accepting who we are. The biggest strifes come from being unwilling to accept the universe as it is, and the biggest of all is being unwilling to accept ourselves as we are and wanting to insist to ourselves that we should or are supposed to be different from what we are. (396)
Monday, November 12, 2018
Today is a new day, a new start. Started meditating again for 10 minutes and started writing in the mornings again for 10 minutes. Writing is good. It is a self-affirming thing. Say what I want, what I think and contemplate on it as it goes through my mind and embrace it as who and am and that it is good and that I am just fine the way I am and that I am one with the universe. This writing is to be just a stream of consciousness words flowing from my mind going down on paper. It dark outside with light coming for my run. Start getting ready about 6:15 with sunrise about 6:45. That is fine. We'll see how it goes over the next month and a half and see if I have to be creative with my schedule. I probably should anyway for the bricks I will be doing outside during the week. We'll see if the traffic isn't too busy for that. Yesterday was the real beginning with work on losing 18 lbs and started following my off-season exercise plan. We'll just add a bit every three weeks and see what races I become prepared for. I like the idea of working up to the A race distances plus 15%, one discipline every 3 weeks. Then to train for the actual race to move towards do getting them all in within one week. Then taper for race day. I seemed to be ready for the race with that strategy. I'm glad there's a path to do it my way within my physical fitness philosophy. Iron Man maybe different, but we'll see. I think only different in the sense of logistics for nutrition and bathroom breaks. We'll see that's a couple of years at least down the road and nothing to have any concern over at this time. This writing is really making me feel good. I like that. And learning to place limits rather than stick to some notion of how things need to be really takes out the stress and helps in the relaxation. It is almost time to me done. Mom is getting settled in. I hope she will get along with the situation. I hope the physical therapy will get her strength to be able to get out. And we have lots of doctors appointments for her other issues. Most hopefully the interstim thing with the urologist. How my time going. I feel like it should be up. I'm using the Plum Village 10 minutes meditation with the bell to mark start and end and here it is. Amen. (437)
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